STRUGGLE
I'm struggling. I'm struggling with writing a post of thoughts that are not related in any way to knitting. So, will my knitting blog turn into a something else? On one hand, it's just as well. I haven't blogged anything knit for months. As a matter of fact, I haven't even knitted anything for almost a year. With that said, should I just blog about something? Anything? Turn this blog into a journal? If it becomes a journal, it will need to be a little more private.
I think I'll just use this post to type random thoughts. I was driving to work this morning and I had all these thoughts in my head. Most of them were of my weight. I've struggled with my weight ever since I graduated college. When I was younger, I was a bean pole. I didn't even think I'd ever have a problem with my weight. However, when I was in high school, I did start to think about it. I'm blonde haired, blue eyed, so I thought to myself, I don't want to be one of those "hefty" blondes. But guess what....I am. Ever since I've had children, just two, I've struggled with my weight creeping up. I think about it all the time, I try to exercise. I begin, get on a kick, then something will happen and my kick gets interrupted. I've began watching what I eat. Well, you know how that goes. I do well for a while and then I get off track. It's a vicious cycle. Then, I find myself obsessing about it in thought constantly. I find people around me obsessing about their own weight and eating habits. It's freaking exhausting! I have to admit, I have never had that "wonderful" feeling after working out that makes me want to do more. I hurt. I hurt all over. Every joint in my body becomes stiff, stiffer the more I do. I thought it was supposed to get easier. It does not. I get off track and have to start all over. Even then the results are slow going. I hear they should be, but it's EXHAUSTING working for results and none show!
Ok, with all that said, I've been trying to prepare for my daughter's wedding. I began eight months ago to lose ? lbs. Not going to happen. I WAS doing fairly well. I was beginning to see results, but then stuff got in the way. Summer came. Not to mention the things that go on with your "system" that puts a kink in things. Now, I am beginning again. It's a slow process. I have to prepare mentally. Then begin the physical activity. I have no energy or motivation. You'd think the upcoming event itself would be motivation enough. Nope. It's not. I need magic. I've never had motivation in the weight loss department. I used to be able to skip meals and lose. Where does motivation come from? I know if I don't get at it diabetes will be in my future. I am approaching 50. I have thoughts of wanting to become fit and svelt. Maybe take up cycling. But the motivation to do so, it's just not there. I work full time and take a class every semester. It's like the motivation is in my head but won't work with the rest of me. I plan it in my head. Nothing happens. I get home, I'm beat. Too tired.
Actually, I'm just tired fighting it too. I think that's it! I get tired of thinking and obsessing about it knowing I should do better. You know, if there were a way to lose weight by just worrying and obsessing over it, I'd be as skinny as a bean pole.
....it's exhausting.
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