STRUGGLE

I'm struggling.  I'm struggling with writing a post of thoughts that are not related in any way to knitting.  So, will my knitting blog turn into a something else?  On one hand, it's just as well.  I haven't blogged anything knit for months.  As a matter of fact, I haven't even knitted anything for almost a year.  With that said, should I just blog about something? Anything?  Turn this blog into a journal?  If it becomes a journal, it will need to be a little more private.

I think I'll just use this post to type random thoughts.  I was driving to work this morning and I had all these thoughts in my head.  Most of them were of my weight.  I've struggled with my weight ever since I graduated college.  When I was younger, I was a bean pole.  I didn't even think I'd ever have a problem with my weight.  However, when I was in high school, I did start to think about it.  I'm blonde haired, blue eyed, so I thought to myself, I don't want to be one of those "hefty" blondes.  But guess what....I am.  Ever since I've had children, just two, I've struggled with my weight creeping up.  I think about it all the time, I try to exercise.  I begin, get on a kick, then something will happen and my kick gets interrupted.  I've began watching what I eat.  Well, you know how that goes.  I do well for a while and then I get off track.  It's a vicious cycle.  Then, I find myself obsessing about it in thought constantly.  I find people around me obsessing about their own weight and eating habits.  It's freaking exhausting!  I have to admit, I have never had that "wonderful" feeling after working out that makes me want to do more.  I hurt.  I hurt all over.  Every joint in my body becomes stiff, stiffer the more I do.  I thought it was supposed to get easier.  It does not.  I get off track and have to start all over.  Even then the results are slow going.  I hear they should be, but it's EXHAUSTING working for results and none show!

Ok, with all that said, I've been trying to prepare for my daughter's wedding.  I began eight months ago to lose ? lbs.  Not going to happen.  I WAS doing fairly well.  I was beginning to see results, but then stuff got in the way.  Summer came.  Not to mention the things that go on with your "system" that puts a kink in things.  Now, I am beginning again.  It's a slow process.  I have to prepare mentally.  Then begin the physical activity.  I have no energy or motivation.  You'd think the upcoming event itself would be motivation enough.  Nope.  It's not.  I need magic.  I've never had motivation in the weight loss department.  I used to be able to skip meals and lose.  Where does motivation come from?  I know if I don't get at it diabetes will be in my future.  I am approaching 50.  I have thoughts of wanting to become fit and svelt.  Maybe take up cycling.  But the motivation to do so, it's just not there.  I work full time and take a class every semester.  It's like the motivation is in my head but won't work with the rest of me.  I plan it in my head.  Nothing happens.  I get home, I'm beat.  Too tired.

Actually, I'm just tired fighting it too.  I think that's it!  I get tired of thinking and obsessing about it knowing I should do better.  You know, if there were a way to lose weight by just worrying and obsessing over it, I'd be as skinny as a bean pole.

....it's exhausting.