Saturday, December 16, 2006


Last night my husband and I decided to go out to dinner after dropping our youngest at the movie theater. On the drive into town I started, sorta daydreaming. I was thinking to myself, at 42 years old, I long for when I was at a much younger age and that feeling I felt when my family took drives to our grandparents homes to visit. The drive took 45 minutes to an hour to make on winding roads deeper into the country. Sometimes the weather was bright and sunny, sometimes not. Sometimes there would be a dusting of snow on the ground. But I remember looking out the window of the car and daydreaming, my mind would literally wonder wildly from one thing to the next....I would watch the hillsides with the trees go by, if it was fall, I would notice the vibrant colors and also notice how it made me feel inside to see it. It was an overwhelming feeling. Then, my mind would wonder to how the sun was casting shadows along the road, glistening through the trees, warming my face as I peered outside in a daydreamed daze. But all the while, noticing how it made me feel inside. I hoped I would never lose that feeling. But, somewhere down the road of age, I can't seem to find it. Imagination, daydreams, they just aren't the same. Is it because when I was younger and not having experienced a lot in life as of yet, I imagined what it would be like to actually experience whatever I happpened to be daydreaming about. Now that I am older and have experienced those feelings, there is nothing to imagine. No feeling to imagine, because I have already experienced them. I miss it. This morning I was reading Scrumptious Living and it was like looking into a mirror. I do the same, wanting everything to be perfect and working like a dog to get it there and when it doesn't get there, I am somewhat dissappointed. I retreat. I try not to be let down, I tell myself that there are always other things that have to be considered that get into the way of the perfection. Others wants and needs. You know I try, but sometimes it just isn't good enough. Sometimes, I don't have the inner strength, much less the physical strength to pull it off and I just want to give up. It's such an uphill battle. Should it be? Is that the way it is supposed to be? When do you get to enjoy that feeling inside? At what point is it all perfect? Just when you think you have it perfect, something comes along and sheds a light of imperfection. ~~These are ramblings, because that's what I needed today. To ramble. It's imperfect.

I've been struggling with getting into that mood for the season, be it creative or festive. It usually comes early for me. I love this time of year. I think back on how perfect my mother made everything at this time of year. She too struggled for that perfection, to have everything done, she still does. This year, so far for me that mood is just not here. I so want it to be, it's going to mess with my perception of perfection if it doesn't come. My perfection will be less if it doesn't come. ~~These are ramblings, because that's what I needed today. To ramble. It's imperfect.

The picture was taken in October of the woods outside the back of our home. Of course pictures never do justice to the vivid colors we experience in Kentucky during the Fall.


Ragged Around the Edges said...

All I can say is, I understand. And I am sure there is a way to regain that wonder and amazement, I am just not sure how.

firefly said...

A very touching blog today. We all face times such as you describe. The magic is still there, but sometimes the kindling is difficult to find. One year when it was especially difficult for me, I was walking into a grocery store late one night and I literally heard the sound of jingle bells. Not the song or the music, it actually sounded like Santa's sleigh bells ringing in the sky. I looked all around, and saw nothing. But I got this wonderful feeling of magic. When I walked out of the store, I smelled pine trees and yet there were none anywhere to be found. I felt I was being reminded ... the magic is there, all around us, all the time.

How to open up to it again, I think that is a personal, internal journey that no one else can solve.

I do wish you magic this season.

Warmest wishes,